What most people don’t know about me is that for the past six months, almost every night I go to bed wondering if I’ll be able to drag my body out of bed the next morning.
Here’s my story:
I’ve always been an extremely healthy, energetic “get it done” person. I almost never got sick, and honestly I felt that people who whined about being sick all the time were just in need of attention of some sorts.
But back in December I had an incident where I got up in the middle of the night to take some medicine and passed out, hitting my head on the wood floor of my kitchen with concrete foundation underneath. As a result, I suffered a severe concussion and cracked skull. I may never know if what has been going on with me every since has anything to do with that night back in December. What I do know is that since then, I haven’t been the same.
The thing is, I look healthy on the outside. No one would ever know I don’t even come close to feeling myself anymore. But the truth is, I get sick a lot, I have anxiety attacks, my heart does crazy stuff, I’m tired all the time, and I find myself describing my days as “good day and bad days.” What. the. heck? Although on some days I might actually feel relatively normal and go out and run four miles – the next, I may find myself looking out my windows at people running by thinking, “There is NO way I could make my body do that today.”
I spend Sunday afternoons dreading the beginning of a new week when my husband will go back at work and I will be alone again….to be mom, to take care of the house and to run my own business in which I won’t get any paid sick days. More days than not, my entire being just doesn’t feel whole. I don’t feel like the old, healthy me anymore.
All I know is, my health is certainly not the same, yet according to every test doctors have run, I’m perfectly healthy. It’s frustrating. And some days, it really gets to me and I start wondering if maybe it’s just all in my head and I’m losing my mind. I catch myself driving down the highway and my mind getting carried away with thoughts like, “How could I feel like this at 27 years of age? What happened to the girl I was? Maybe this is punishment for something? How am I going to be the wife and mom my family deserves when I don’t even feel like getting out of bed? “What if all my friends just leave because they wonder what my deal is and why I’m never around? If they did, I wouldn’t blame them. What happens if I get too sick to work and all of our financial responsibilities fall on my husband?”
I feel the weight of life, relationships, responsibilities, the disappointment of others expectations of me press in against the weakness of my body, mind and spirit. And I feel anxiety and fear set in. Deep, dark, lonely, hopeless fear. More intense than I’ve ever known before. That fear gives way to doubt. Doubt in myself and my ability to do or be anything worthwhile. Then my doubt starts chipping away at my faith…..and I wonder, God, do you see me here? Do you see me struggling and weak? Do you care? Where are the answers? Why? Whispers of unbelief speak to my heart.
What I get mostly is silence…..and these two words – “Believe. Trust.”
More to come…..
“We struggle with unbelief because we have insisted on humanizing God. Essentially we have decided that God is not able, when in fact we are the ones who are not.” ~ Angela Thomas