Sometimes I feel like I’m running. Running at break neck speed to be the woman I feel I’m supposed to be. The beautiful, accomplished and successful business woman, mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend. (yes I know it’s out of order) And like every other woman on the planet, we want to accomplish it all while being though to be wonderful, amazing and loved by everyone. So in the midst of my own life, I’m always trying to fix things for people I care about and do whatever I can to make someone else’s life a little easier.
Every day I throw out small pieces of myself in order to satisfy my insatiable need to be enough and to be loved. In my hurry to give myself away so I will feel fulfilled, I find myself becoming more and more emptied out. I get my roles as a woman all out of whack, and start to neglect, even resent the most important reasons God placed me on this earth.
I forget that God did not first call me to be successful in business, to be an amazing friend to many, to fix problems for others, or even to save the world . The day I said ” I do.” I stepped into my first ministry – to be a good and faithful wife, to love my children and train them up to know Him, and to love and serve others together.
I am not always the picture of success in this area. Sometimes I just plain fail at it. Instead, I catch myself thinking thoughts like, “I could be doing ________ or going ________ for God if I didn’t have the responsibility of a husband and kids.” And glimmers of regret flash through my heart. And then all at once it hits me, “WHAT THE HECK kind of thinking is that?
Or could it really just be my fleshly need to satiate my own selfish desire to feel like I’m somebody who does big important things – good things……all in the name of Jesus of course.
I have to remind myself often that I will never be an effective minister to the rest of the world until I have learned how to be an agent of healing and love to the people who live inside the four walls of my home.
The united family unit is a powerful force to be reckoned with for the enemy. Succeeding in the world and failing at home isn’t really an option. Believing that it is, is the enemy’s strategy for women. He meticulously targets moms (and dads) because he wants to destroy families. He knows where our weak points are. He knows exactly what we crave and desire. We crave to feel loved, accepted, understood, cherished, needed and valuable. Every single one of those things can be found in God, our husbands and our children. Yet he sets out to seperate us in whatever way he can so we are vulnerable to his attack.
We get lonely and we start looking for what our soul craves every where but at home. Convincing ourselves that they aren’t enough, we look for it from the rest of the world. We look for love in all the wrong places. From material things and other people who were never designed to fill us up. Then at the end of the day we just find ourselves right back where we started from, in the four walls of our home – still empty, lonely and unfulfilled. Still, not enough.
This post is me reminding myself, maybe even reminding you that
sometimes the hugest, most important ministry we might ever do on this earth is making dinner and putting away laundry, holding our husband at the end of a long day and making him feel like the king of the world, saying bedtime prayers and rocking our children to sleep. Silencing the whole world and giving them our time and our heart….wholey and undivided.
Somehow, twenty five years from now, I don’t think we will have regretted a single thing left undone, that we could be ministers of Jesus’s love to the ones He gave us and placed right in front of us. I believe more ministry than we could ever imagine will flow out of that, than a selfish, stubborn heart.
It’s in the small, seemingly insignificant moments of surrendering to do and be exactly what we have been blessed and called to do, that we will find ourselves to be enough.