Lately, I feel as if I’m walking a tightrope. On one side of the rope is my desire to succeed in business, on the other lies desire for God’s will. One things is solid, I want to do what matters in life, I want my brief days on this earth to count.
But the struggle is that some days I am driven to make sure that I’m doing everything I can to continue to build a business, and others I long for nothing more than the everyday, mundane tasks of motherhood. In that last fact alone, I realize how much I am changing from the naive, selfish girl I once was who viewed motherhood as inferior to worldly accomplishments; into a woman who realizes that there will be no greater accomplishment to be found than investing in the lives of my children and my husband.
Logically, I know that success isn’t tied to accomplishment. Yet still, I remind myself of this daily. I have to. I am by nature a driven person. So my need to achieve personally sometimes feels at war with the hushed promptings of the Spirit inside of me. I’ve found that more times than not, His Spirit’s leading is so contrary to what I would choose for my life. Yet His way leads to peace. My own way, does not.
His way, while uncomfortable to my flesh, never stifles or limits who I am as a person. His way brings out the very best of me, the beauty that’s been planted deep within me all along.
And then there’s faith.
Some days my faith feels as strong & sturdy as a concrete foundation and trusting God is easy. Other days, my faith feels about as shifty as a beach umbrella in a windstorm and nothing about trusting His ways feels natural or safe.
And so, the struggle between it all exists.
But the struggle is not what defines me. And I can’t continue walking this tightrope because I’ve realized that this self-inflicted tightrope is nothing more than my fear of failure.
So what do I do?
I take a leap off of this darn rope that has kept me bound to choosing between two sides and I land in the arms of the one who holds my whole world, and my heart – in His hands.
I just jump. Just like that.
And in jumping I’m admitting that I’m risking failure. Failing in any capacity is incredibly excruciating to me. So much so, that I’ve known too many missed opportunities because not trying at all seemed better than the disappointment of failure.
But trying and failing for the sake of trusting His ways, has come to be something I’m willing to risk. I’ve come to this place by reaching for everything I’d always believed I wanted to do in life, only to find myself longing for the simplicity of His ways.
The need for achievement and being driven will probably never change. It’s who I am. I just want to be driven towards the right goals. It’s scary to hand everything over and say, “OK, Lord. I’m willing to fail for your sake. I’m willing to see all my hard work amount to nothing if that’s your will. I’m willing to let go of my dreams for this.”
I leap from fear’s uncertain nights and land on Him, the Solid Rock.
I let go of all my other fears by making this one fear greater than everything else – the fear of a wasted life.