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I absolutely adore these pictures. Mainly because they represent the collection of all of the precious moments and times we get to share in our days spent together.

But the truth about most days of motherhood isn’t quite so picturesque. I’ve shared this reality here before…. (but this is my house today)

Days spent running a household and raising children isn’t a feat to be taken on by the faint of heart. I watched my mom give it her best shot with six of us, but I never understood the weight of it all until it was my turn. It usually works out that way.

The other day, right in the middle of getting the dishes and laundry caught up, all while trying to keep them focused on getting their schoolwork done, running them here and there and returning library books – I got an unexpected visit from an acquaintance, of whom to be honest, I’m really not fond of. But still I keep letting her in my head.

Guilt.

There she was again. No call, no warning, she just popped in like that’s just okay to do!

Ugh. And of course she always comes when my house is a wreck

the kids aren’t on their best behavior at. all

schoolwork is behind

and I am overwhelmed

exhausted

weary and at the point of tears from the work and pressures of motherhood and life in general.

Yet still, she doesn’t seem to care. And her merciless dialog is always the same:

“You run yourself ragged and STILL you can’t keep up with it all! I don’t know why you even bother because kids would probably rather be anywhere else, with anybody else than you because you’re always on their case. They’re probably going to grow up and be serial killers or something and blame everything that’s wrong with them on you because you don’t spend enough time on the floor just playing and having fun with them. You know, you really should try and be more of a “fun, sweet mom” like all the other moms. Oh yeah, and the way you lose it and yell at them sometimes? You’re definitely emotionally scaring them for life and they’ll probably need years of counseling to undo all the damage you’re doing. One last thing, those Bible verses you make them memorize and devotionals you assign them, it bores them and they’re likely to later resent more than embrace the faith you’re always shoving down their throats. 

You should just give up or at least lighten up. Let them have fun and be kids and do what they want and just be their friend instead of governing every part of their lives.”

And just like that, I find myself in my locked bathroom, tears rolling down my cheeks, leaned up again the toilet in defeat ; wondering if I really could be becoming the mother I swore I’d never be.

But my mind knows that all that she says are lies. Only I know how much of my own self I set to the side because I love my children more than personal ambition. And that I just desperately want to do my part to help them become the best they can become in life, while instilling in them the boundaries and truths that I know can help them to be all that they were created to be.

So why do I keep letting her in? And who gave her the right to presume that she knows the intent of my heart or my actions as a mother anyways?

But this morning I just decided it is time for her to leave. For good. She isn’t allowed in anymore no matter how loud or long she knocks.

Guilt,

You are “friend” {that’s not really my friend} that I’ve tolerated in my life for far too long. You control, manipulate, fault-find and condemn.. and you never encourage me when I’m down or praise me in the many times when I’m getting it right.

You only come when I’m already overwhelmed, I guess you figure I might give you an ear when I have nothing else left to do. You pretend to have me and my children’s best interest in mind with you crafty advice and smooth words, but I have my doubts about that. Something in the sound of your voice makes me thing you come from a dark place, one in which lies are all you know to speak.

I’m done entertaining you. I’ve never liked you anyways, but I had thought I should be hospitable and give you an ear for the small chance that you might be right once in a while.

But you, dear guilt, are DEAD WRONG. You never get it right. In fact, you don’t really know me at all. I am not failing. In fact, I think it ticks you off that I’m succeeding.

My children do not need me to lighten up and be their friend! What they need is for me to be their mother. And that means guiding, disciplining and shielding them wrong pressures and influences and even from their own selves at times.

Yes, I am not perfect, my house isn’t always clean and things aren’t always just as they should be. But my children know they are loved and at the end of the day, they still crawl up in my laugh with their snuggles and kisses and want to snuggy.

Who I am, and the mother I am to them – is enough. But only because there is one who dwells within me that has made it so.

So please go back to the dark life that you came from for good because you aren’t welcome in mine. I think the light hurts your eyes anyways, because when you come you never stay long. And still I always know you’ll come again. Well, not next time. Because there will be no next time. Just know that from now on you’ll find the doors of my mind and life dead-bolted shut. I’ve asked my Dad to help me with this. I have to rely on Him because His security measures against enemy attacks never fail.

Take this as your first and final notice. This is my goodbye letter to you and I never want you come around here again.

You do not get the final say.

– Rachel

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. – Romans 8:1

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